I will tell you about a few unfortunate incidents that have occured to me this week.
Exhibit #1
- I hid my work keys somewhere safe and I thought, handy; since I had no need for 3 dozen heavy keys from 3 different churches on my week-long jaunt about a Carribbean island
- I also cleaned out my car, so I wouldn't be *quite as embarrassed at leaving my 6 year old MomVan at the dealer's for a week
- I came home from vacation on Monday. As of 5 PM today, Thursday, I could not find them
- How well could I Freakin have hid them and WHATHAPPENEDTOMYMEMORY that I can't remember where I put them after only one week!!!??
- I'm beginning to panic here, people, this is not good for my blood pressure.
- I looked in a box in the laundry room
- I looked under my bed
- I looked in the shoe rack
- I looked in the garage
- I looked under the couch
Tonight at dinner, I found them.
In a box (aha! I KNEW it) that I had hidden under the skirt of the dining room chair I was sitting in. Yes, it was the first night this week that I actually sat at my dining room table. It's been a busy week back.
Whew.
Exhibit #2
- I went to get my hair cut today
- [on the plus side, my stylist (is that what you call the hair-cutter?) complimented me on the boxed hair color (medium brown) that I used on Monday in my desperation to hide my gray hair]
- on my way out, the receptionist asked me if I would like to have my eyebrows waxed for free.
- Hey! Wow! It's my birthday! Woot! Oh wait no, that was last week.
- Oh, shit. I must be bushy. No, wait, I don't have thick brows and while I'm pretty lax about tweezing, I don't have a lot of hair there and my brows have a pretty normal shape on their own.
- So, okay, why not? I explain to her that the last time I was waxed, I can still see some redness on my brow bone. A year later, people.
- I do realize that she is in fact, offering free waxing, not because I'm hairy or it's my birthday; but because she's trying to recuit new clients. Okay, cool.
- While in the chair (OUCHITHURTS!) she offers to do my upper lip area.
- F&*%, maybe I am hairy!?
- No, she says, even she (in all of her 24 years of glory) waxes there too. "Everybody does"
- Oh, hell, it's free too, so why not?
- HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS GOOD! WHATTHE H-- DID I JUST DO???!!!!
- That HHHHUUUURRRRRTTTSSS!
- I left sporting a lovely angry red puffy mustach and nuclear red eyebrows.
- And I had an errand to run at Wegman's. Such a lovely sight.
- Yeah, it was that pretty.
- Ummm, NO, there are no pictures.
7 comments:
As my daughter's Kindergarten teacher used to say to me:
"I just love you....
... you make me feel so normal..."
okay, if you want to see funny waxing story, I just so happen to have a web series and did a whole webisode on getting a bikini wax. All the links are one my blog. You'll know which one I'm talking about by the title. Hope you get a good chuckle.
AACCKK - I thought I saw some neon red skin glowing in Wegmans the other day!
My eldest daughter LOVES to get her eyebrows waxed - she says it's relaxing. WTH? Ripping hair out of my skin with hot wax does not constitute relaxing in my book. On the other hand, have you ever seen eyebrow threading done? Holy cripes, just shoot me and then pluck my brows - I'd enjoy it more.
I need waxing badly. All over.
Oh, man, Jessica - your videos are too funny.
After my puffy red face experience, I am not to eager to let any hot wax go anywhere near "down there".
And I think she took off too much hair on my right brow. I am not a fan of thin eyebrows, so I hope it grows back.
Linda - anything I can do to make others feel normal, I will gladly expose myself for...
(the grammar in that sentence sucks, btw)
My youngest sister had never had anything waxed. The *morning* of her wedding (which was at 5pm), while getting her hair bridally coiffed, she took up the stylist on her first ever eyebrow waxing.
Now, I'm not saying that her eyebrows couldn't have used some grooming, mind you - she never did *anything* to them and while she wasn't quite Bert from Sesame Street, she was vaguely Andy Rooney in his later years-ish with the brows. They were..... substantial, shall we say.
Anyhow. If you want to talk about red and swollen brow areas, holy moly, my poor sister. There she was, the bride-to-be, with icepacks on her forehead to try and minimize the swelling. Then cucumber slices. By 3pm (the appointed dressing/make-up hour for pictures etc), the redness was still there, the swelling had gone down only slightly, and she was BRUISING in some spots underneath her brows. I wound up doing my best theatrical cosmetics application on her eyes, which was more eye makeup than she would've normally wanted to wear but necessary to cover the redness, and that's the look she wore down the aisle.
Also, she had a mani-pedi done that morning, and the pedicurist sliced off a bit of the end of her middle toe on one foot, forcing her to wear stockings to try to disguise the bandage where she'd wanted to go barelegged in her sandals. And then during the reception, the glue they'd used to affix the fake nails (she's a biter just like me...) started melting or wearing off and while dancing with my newly-minted bro-in-law, half the nails on her one hand *stayed on his shoulder* when she moved her hand away during their first dance.
Yeah, she was quite the photo op that day. Oy.
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