Treading water... or maybe burying my head in the sand

Nothing's changed legally, and I know I should have made some progress by now; but maybe I'm dragging my feet because I'm too old to have a temper tantrum and scream FUCK out loud for a few hours. Because that's what I'd like to do.
I'm ANGRY that he thought it was easier to walk away, to start up with someone new, no MATTER HOW BAD IT WAS; rather than go to the counseling that I BEGGED him to go to with me.

Foolishly thought I was all done with the crying. Oh was I so, so wrong.
The triggers: first a session with Mickey and the counselor; then a conversation with George about the furnace/ AC/ hot water heater replacement where he reminded me that it's my house now and he's not living there. And then said we might as well do the whole thing and do it right while simultaneously reminding me that it will run down our savings and he has to pay for a place to live now. Oh, he agreed to pay for the whole thing with no argument, it was the reminder that he's getting his own place that set me off.
(That was yesterday...)

And today....

Fuckkkk fuckkk, fuckkk. FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

A bunch of things happened tonight which have me pissed, bawling, feeling raw and angry; but what kills me is that despite the fact that I have said NOTHING to the kids (or his family) about G having a girlfriend, the kids know. He apparently told them on Saturday, but E knew already because a friend of hers at camp mentioned that she and her parents were on the boat (MY BOAT!) with G and "L".

That makes me even more angry. I feel like screaming from the fucking rooftop that he is a cheating bastard and started this before he left me.

He says I "abandoned" him, I say I left him alone partly because he wanted that and partly out of self-preservation. I mean, how close and intimate would *you feel towards someone who belittles you, bullies you, and casts you aside?

*I was unhappy too, but I loved him.

And I believed in our vows - "til death do us part", "for better or for worse"

Yeah, I'm feeling raw right now.

A Little Bit Stronger Every Day.

I'm still here, folks. Sort of bumbling along.

Need to spring into action soon.

Right now the kids are at camp, they're having a blast, and I'm living a quiet life.

In a WTF way, it's amazing how many acquaintances and friend are going through something equally as shitty.

In each case, it's the husband who has left, not the wife. And without warning or counseling.

wtf? what is it with them? Mid-life crisis'? Unrest? Something in the air? A narcissistic feeling of entitlement? What ever happened to "let's work this out?"

PS. Here are the lyrics:

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Love is in the air

No, it's not like that.

You gotta love an ob-gyn who listens to your stressors, hugs you, and goes out to her car to lend you her hot pink boxing gloves because it's good exercise and she knows you really want to punch someone.

I ♥ my doctor.

Fuck. Just Fuck.

I need to get this out there and I don't know how to start, so I'll just lay it out.

I've only shared this with my pastor and to a group of internet friends that I've known for about 15 years - (the semi-anonymity helps, I think)

But without going into all of the details, G and I haven't been on the same page for quite some time. How did it start? disagreement over parenting decisions? a messy house? me only working part-time? different goals? different expectations? different ideas about what's okay in a fight? who knows?

But the bottom line is that we have grown farther and farther apart and our relationship is getting uglier and uglier.

I have my faults and blame in this as well, but from my perspective, he is so miserable and resentful that he has turned into an emotional and verbal bully to me and to M. Not so much E. He is critical and nasty about absolutely everything I do and has completely disengaged from our family life. Some of you have seen glimpses of this over the years. You've also seen my part in this - I'm thinking particularly of dynamics on the boat. I'm not perfect and never have been.

He has refused to go to counseling with me, despite me asking for several years. For my part, I have procrastinated in going myself because I was afraid of going to someone that he wouldn't be comfortable with. That was not a good decision.

I finally went to the LCSW therapist that we went to last spring when I caught M high. He's very insightful and got a chance to see some of our family dynamics.

G has said off and on after every fight for years, that he's "had enough", he's "done", he "works too hard to be this miserable", "works to hard to put up with this mediocrity" and has threatened divorce. He's been more vocal about this recently.

I do NOT want this. I have always been of the mindset that we can work through this if we would only be able to talk about it with a third party who could help us navigate through this.

He finally agreed to talk to B (for those of you who don't know him, he's a Y friend and colleague who is also a chaplain and a counselor).

Please pray for us and I only hope that we haven't gone so far astray that there's still hope for us.

I haven't shared this with many people I'm not sure how to proceed. It may take me a little time to get this out, so please don't share with anyone else. I have always kept most of this private because I didn't want to betray our marital privacy, but I think it's gone too far now and I need some perspective and support.

I can't do this alone and I believe that those of you who stood up with us at our wedding are a part of our support and I need you.
******
Update:

We met with B last night.

Well, the first 3 hours last night were emotional and Bruce said he thought there was hope. He suggested individual and couples counseling and said it would be hard, and a lot of work. He mostly listened and tried to get George to open up.
G has so much pent up anger and resentment.

Then something happened, and during the last hour, G did a 180 and said, no, I can't do this and unleashed a torrent of verbal vomit and emotion and pent up rage at me.

B had to admit that we are toxic and maybe we shouldn't be together. G has absolutely no love for me, and said that several times. B recognized that I still love G but that I need to be in a situation where I can rebuild self-esteem and where we are away from each other - for our health and for the kids.

He suggested a separation. And separate counseling. And maybe divorce.

He's going to go back to Massachusetts next weekend to talk to his parents. I don't know what he's going to say. B has urged him not to trash me, but he has so much anger and resentment that I just don't know. I love G's parents and don't want to lose that relationship.

For those of you who are friends with us both, I don't want to lose you either.

G has agreed to move to the boat this summer.

I am devastated. And panicked. And heartsick.

I keep thinking this is so unfair. All around. Please keep us in your prayers. I really miss the man I fell in love with and married.

I don't think this is going to be public knowledge in Y circles yet, so please keep this to yourself.

For some of you, this is no surprise... either because you have watched us interact over the years, or because G apparently unloaded to some of you, when I was struggling with this in private.

I had to get it out there and it is difficult to talk about.

I love each of you for the part you've played in our lives.

I'm alive

But barely.

Truthfully it's been a sucky year and I find it hard to funny, snarky, observant, or anything else when things are in the toilet.

That, and Bloglines changed it's whole format and screwed up my nice way to keep up with my favorite blogs and comment and be funny and connected, etc. So, I've just about given up the bandwagon.

I have almost given up on Twitter, which means either that I'm not tweeting enough to get noticed, not entertaining or not even mildly witty.

I have, however, been spending a timesuck obscene amount of time on Facebook. Mostly because I like to play Scrabble and Bejeweled Blitz. And because imaginary friends are easier to deal with than the real emotions and time suck of IRL people and friends. Sad, I know.

Miss you all.