On the lighter side....

Okay everyone, I really, really, really hope you voted or are on your way to vote.

Because this can be a tense, stressful day, I suggest you raid your kids' Halloween candy (if there is any good chocolate left - if not, go out and buy your own. You do have a job, don't you?) and then read this.

All the way to the end.

If you're offended by the first letter, you'll be rolling on the floor with the second one and patting yourself on the back and popping open a beer.

If you love the first letter, crack open that nice bottle of wine and roll your eyes at the second one.

See? Everyone can be happy here.

Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States


Dear Blue Places,.
We've decided to kick you out. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking all Red Places with us..

The Blue Places include Southern California, the gay region surrounding San Fransisco, Hawaii, Western Oregon , Washington , Northern Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation.

To sum up briefly: we get Texas , Oklahoma and all the other Energy producing States, and States with Gold, Uranium, Iron, Copper, Silver, Granite, Coal, and Limestone. You get some trees, and a volcano or two.

You get the Statue of Liberty. We get the Alamo. You get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. We get AMD, Dell, and IBM. You get Harvard, Standford, and Brown. We get Rice, SMU, Texas A&M, Duke, Notre Dame, Purdue, UNC, Wake Forest, BYU, Baylor, Boise State, Oklahoma, and Texas.

We get 90% of America 's refining capacity, 90% of her chicken, pork, and beef, 90% of her grain farmlands, milk and egg production, and a healthy dose of entrepreneurs. You get Brooklyn. You get two-thirds of the tax revenue (because y'all have the most population); we get a Tax Rebate because we intend to make y'all pay 90% more for gas and heating oil. If y'all want cheaper oil y'all will have to drill on your own. We're joining OPEC.

Please also be aware that the Red Places will have every major military installation of the former United States within our territory. All armored and infantry divisions, all combat fighter wings, all strategic bomber forces, all strategic missile forces, and three major naval ports, including both the pacific and atlantic fleets. We will be sending all 5 of your citizens now deployed to Iraq back to their homes effectively immediately. The two Californians, the guy from Queens, the guy from Oregon, and the girl from Westchester can be expected home next week. We will replace these kitchen staff with some recruits from the Yukon, the newest member of our confederation. If you need people to fight for you, ask your gang members in east LA, New York, Chicago, Atlanta, New Jersey, or any one of the urban ghettos which you breed so many violent people... Don't worry about the Navy most of the people onboard the ships are from Red States and will be moved to one of our bases.

You get Hollywood. Yay! You get the Yankees and the Red Sox. Yay! We get the Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, Broncos, and the Titans.

You get Sunset Blvd. Yay! We get the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Devil's Mountain, Black Butte Ranch, the Rockies, the Klondikes, and the vast Alaskan wilderness.

By the way, we're taking all of the good tobacco, Beer, and whiskey.

Only Blue State wimps serve wine and cheese.

Oh and we are loaded for bear. We own 90% of all private firearms. You mess with one of us you mess with all of us and we'll nuke you sorry sons of guns (word substituted) back to the stoneage.

Comprende Kimosabe?

Rock On,
Red Places

Now, don't forget to vote!